New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
