I met the friendliest cop last night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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