What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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