And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
