So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
