I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
