So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
