That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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