just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
