just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
