Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
