Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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