Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
