dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
