Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
