I want to stick my p in your. b.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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