Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he laminated a picture of his dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
