I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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