I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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