my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
