i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
