I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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