I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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