My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
where are you?
Hypothermia
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
