I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
