he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
