The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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