based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
