got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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