im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
