I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
