your room smells of hookers.
And success
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
