I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
