i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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