the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My pussy is not your playground.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
