there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
