I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
