Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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