It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
