i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
