Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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