I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
