You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
