Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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