i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
