she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
