K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
