She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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