my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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