Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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