90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
