Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
