I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
