i need an iv and a liver transplant
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
